I miss so much of....us
There are those days in which one holds onto moments of happiness.
There are those days in which the mind goes back in time and then replays the question that has escaped all the wisdom of mankind...."what if"?
There are other days in which the heart takes over. Sometimes this manifests itself with uncontrolled tears. Sometimes it is a feeling of deep loss. Sometimes it is a feeling of burdens of regrets. Sometimes it is captured in songs which are momentary distractions.
There is an adage of "is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all"? I have always believed that it is better to have loved.
There are many kinds of love. The human heart is more than tissue and blood and valves. It can hold the love of a child. The love of God. The love of family. The love of social interactions.
The greatest love I have ever known, besides each of my children, still resides in my heart - my soul - and in my everyday life.
This love was real. It was a once in a lifetime love. It was not just the moments of obvious happiness but in the simple things like; holding the hand, waking up, her scent, her hair, the way she moved, the way she laughed, moments when she was a mother, times when the connection between us was so strong that we knew each others mindset, and the loving times when we shared each other and were essential to each others lives.
I always wanted to grow old with her. I failed.
I played a key role in the deterioration of our relationship and wrongly took her for granted.
To me she was the most beautiful woman. The smartest. The funniest. Everything that I ever wanted and more.
During our relationship there was so much of me that was good. She made me a better man and a better person.
Since our relationship ended I have improved on the things that were good and have made great strides on the things I needed to work on.
Through these trying times I have prayed for her and missed so much.
I owe her, and various individuals more than words and more than apologies. I owe this to them with no expectations. It is the right thing.
As I write these words emotions spring forth.
They say that fairy tales, and happy endings, are just stories/relationships that haven't finished. Meaning that they capture of magic of love but, in the majority of cases, will end differently.
I don't believe in fairy tales but I do believe in happy endings.
I wish I never had to put us, and her, through this.
Maybe she will find someone to grow old with.
If so I hope that they love her 1 - 1,000,000,000,000th the depth as I do.
I hope that she finds happiness.
I hope that they make her laugh and they make her proud.
I hope that they accept her exactly as she is for if they can't see all her beauty, inside and out, then they are undeserving.
For me I knew the love of my life.
I know the mistakes I made.
I know that I should have done more.
I know everything about us and sorry, as a word and an action, is not enough. I am humbled and remorseful each and everyday in every cell in my being.
If she knew me now I think she would like me more. Like the changes I have made and I don't mean fake changes I mean the kind that reroute the mind and reroute ones path(s) in life. True inner, and outer, changes that have taken much efforts - self reflection - sacrifices - and pain to achieve.
Forgiveness was one aspect that was initially hard for me but I was able to truly forgive without bearing any ill will. That took a lot for me to accomplish.
What took the place of not forgiving was acceptance of the things, from little to meaningful, that I did...wrong. I have many examples but these are meant not for the internet.
For me I haven't dated anyone. I haven't undertaken any intimacy whatsoever. I have allowed myself to go to a movie or two or to a restaurant. Even in those rare occasions it just wasn't right. It never lived up, in any measurable aspect, to a fraction of her. Simply put my heart is just not in it and unlike 99.99% of "men" I follow my heart and have never been, nor will be, into serial dating or more.
I have to go now for writing these words, and reliving some memories, have taken their emotional toll but, for some reason, I felt the need to get this out right now.
In every way imaginable, and possible, I miss...us.
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